What is a daddy’s girl? How can one be a daddy’s girl? – I am not the best person to ask that question. I haven’t experienced it, nor have I known my biological father since high school? (Can’t even remember…)
I grew up with two older brothers who were 15 and 11 years older than I was. I never realized that ‘those older guys’ I used to see in school with my classmates were their dad’s. Until we were taught about a family which actually consists of a ‘Father’. I asked my mom about him and I was touched by her answer – “Why would you look for someone who isn’t here?” Makes sense. If he meant to stay and be in my life, he’ll be there.
But, my life – being his daughter was different. It was complicated and I chose not to write the reasons why.
So why am I writing now about him? Simple. He’s dead. Long gone before I knew him or the other half of who I am. During my lifetime, I get to meet him during brief one hour lunch meetings which has a total of not more than 5 times since birth until I was 26 years old and all those ‘brief’ meetings, I will always ask for something. Not money, but literally some ‘THING’. Why? Because, I always want to bring a piece of him with me. Sometimes, he would get upset with my requests like the guitar I was asking or that stupid drum set! He used to think I was crazy for thinking about having those, or me wanting to be a lawyer following his footsteps. In short, those short meetings we had, the ‘brief’ meetings and ‘chats’ (not even talks) I was obedient and follow what he requests from me.
I graduated from college, took off had a family and knew about his death during the 7th month of my pregnancy, I was 27 years old. I cannot visit him as I was abroad. Let me get that straight, when I was young I was thinking about my father’s death. (Don’t get me wrong please). I just have accepted the fact that when he dies I need to give him the peace he deserve and at a young age I have accepted that I cannot visit his wake. Maybe I can take a peak and that’s it. So when I have heard the news, my thoughts came true. I have prepared myself for this, I already know what to feel and how to react.
Where there any regrets? Yes of course! I wanted to have another ‘brief’ meeting with him as soon as I deliver my baby but that’s not possible now. I wanted to tell him how successful I was with my work, guess it’s useless now…
6 years has passed, not even a dream from him. I am writing now, because there’s just no closure.
I am not wishing for a memory with him. Maybe, just maybe… I wanted to know what the other part of me is and no amount of stories from my family can fill that except from my so-called Dad.
***Mom, If you get the chance to read this, you are the most awesome person I know! I love you and will always be my mom and dad rolled into one!