Sometimes exciting, oftentimes scary.
A wake up call can be the greatest turning point of your life, or the reality you have been dreading about.
Why can’t we just live in a dream we wanted to create for ourselves? Fairytales, for me only exist in books. Your prince charming might not be as charming as you think he is, or your castle may not be as grande or as pretty as you want and your kingdom may turn out to be your worst nightmare.
I haven’t been sleeping properly for the past few days, rethinking about my life and where I am heading. It is true, I became a stay-at-home mom a dream come true for me Yey! But, like any other movie, fairytale or story there’s always a plot twist.
Being a stay-at-home mom would mean less days we dine out, travel, buy a few toys for my kid… oh, you know what I mean. I have adapted to the whole situation and I guess I’m pretty good at it. Bottom line is, when you see bills after bills after bills after bills, you sometimes wonder… is this the end of the line for me? Do I have to start finding myself again in the corporate ladder? These questions are killing me. The thought of leaving my daughter in the care of a nanny saddens me… so much. It hurts.
I hope you wouldn’t judge me. I have been working before my daughter was born and had to go back to work 2 weeks after I gave birth. We had our bonding in my office when she was a new born baby. I have decided to stay at home before her 6th birthday. 6 months has passed and here I am trying to decide what to do in life again.
I enjoy preparing meals for my family, seeing them take naps, arrange their clothes, clean the house – the works! I think deep inside the MOM in me has been tapped and fulfilled. Finally, I felt how it was to finally call myself a MOM. (and wife) for the whole 6 months (at least).
Many would probably say, “It’s ok, as long as you do it for your family” or “sacrifice” Yeah. Those words, those lines that is now stuck in my head are like knives being stabbed to the new-born self I have found.
Is wanting to spend time with your daughter makes you a bad person? Is it bad to want to spend time with her before she stops needing me, before she grows up? Is it bad to just savor this moment…?
Please don’t judge me. I have chosen to be a stay-at-home mom, but I never neglect my duties to still provide help to my husband financially. I have found an online job and will be forever thankful to the person who has hired me.
If there is one thing I hate right now, it is money. For, if I was born rich, or maybe if I marry someone rich I know I wouldn’t have to go through this. But, like some of the household I know we are living from paycheck after paycheck and it sucks! Big time! Some of the people I know have even mentioned to lower the standard of our living. We actually did and I have been so proud with my daughter for not throwing a fit whenever she wanted something. She has learned that in life you can’t really get everything you want. It’s either you wait, you work for it, or earn it.
Now my mind is having a debate. Shall I stay with my daughter and continue with this life? Or shall I leave her and give her the life I wanted for her?
With all honesty, I’ll choose the latter.
For no matter how hurt I feel right now, or how sad it makes me every night when I hug and kiss her goodnight ,a mom always wants what’s best for her child… and this mom will never stop giving the world to my precious princess.
If in case this post came across to someone who hasn’t been married, or never had a child – just remember to be thankful to your parents. Never nag or be upset that they spend their time in the office. Believe me, if they are just given the chance they’d rather spend it with you.
To all the single parents out there, I salute you. I hope I can be as tough as you already are. Continue to be awesome. I look at you, and all I can see is a hero in each of you. (That includes my mom who has raised us all 5!)
To all the married couples who has to go through this, make sure you still spend quality time on your weekends. Do not spend it for yourself just because you have worked your ass off the whole week, there’s that kid looking forward to Saturdays and Sundays with you.
To the stay-at-home moms, how I envy you. I would trade places to be in your position.
A final note to myself: Even if you are tired at the end of the day, try to spend dinners with your family. Give your kid a bedtime story, cuddle if you must. Take lots and lots and lots of photos… it’s ok to document it too. You can’t stop time, but you can still maximize it.
To my daughter whom I love dearly, one day when you grow up I hope you wouldn’t be upset that your bestfriend has to leave you in the care of another person. It hurts me too but life isn’t always fair. Sometimes the odds are not in our favor. At least you know how much your mom loves you and will do everything for you. You are my world and will always be.